I will always remember a time when I didn't understand that line in For colored girls who have considered suicide/When the rainbow is enuf 

"Loving yourself? What's that like?" I asked myself. I had never experienced that before. I was 23 (I think) and I had only ever experienced self loathing and disdain for my own body. A lifetime of being categorized by how thin I was...or wasn't. Years of pinching my body as a form of punishment for daring to exist in a shell that had any excess skin. I can remember times when I looked in the mirror and said to her: "I hate you."

This went on for a very long time. Years of inflicting this psychological and physical pain on myself in an attempt to look the way society wanted me to look. Years of anger due to the hatred I had for myself being exercised on other people because I didn't know how to get it out of my body.

Then I went to therapy.

I learned how to unlearn everything I had ever been told about beauty. I started to follow fat content creators so I could see what it was like to witness fatness being expressed in a joyful way. It was the first step I took towards deprogramming my mind from something that diet culture had told me was "disgusting" my entire life. The first step I took towards seeing the word "fat" as just another adjective rather than a moral failing.

I began to gently touch the parts of my body that I had once pinched with disgust: my stomach, my thighs, my arms, my cheeks. Instead of reprimanding them for existing, I thanked them. I know it sounds silly because it felt silly the first few times I did it. But you know what? It worked. I began to treasure my body because it gave me life. That stomach I hated helped me digest my food. Those thighs that I wanted to trade for a thigh gap allowed me to move and dance and explore. My arms that I would jiggle in front of the mirror were the same arms that allowed me to wrap myself around those I loved.

So why am I making this blog post?

I recently had the unfortunate experience of working with someone who accused me of not caring about fat bodies while simultaneously telling me my body positivity was too much to handle. They were angry at me for not doing what a photographer should do: make them look beautiful.

The problem is, I think I did. I saw them as beautiful and I tried my best to capture that. When I was editing the photos I was excited to deliver them because I knew they would be pleasantly surprised. Instead I got a phone call where I was informed that they hated every single photo I took of them. They were angry I didn't photoshop body parts they deemed unpleasant to look at. They called me selfish for not being willing to edit them in a way that altered their body. They said I took their vulnerability for granted and that there was a lack of respect on my end.

Here's the thing though: I will never take anybody's vulnerability for granted. Ever. Hearing someone say this to me caused me to spend the entire night crying.

Crying for the old me that was just like this person for so long and could remember what that feels like.

Crying for them because I knew that their anger towards me was the same anger I had had for so long. I know how heavy that emotion is to carry day in and day out.

Crying for every human who has ever felt like this. 

I decided to photograph myself at my most vulnerable.

I didn’t photoshop out my stretch marks, my bruises, or even the hair on my back. I also chose to leave all my curves intact.

Why? Because those things are a part of me. This body has done so much for me and I’m so grateful. I worked really hard to genuinely and authentically be this accepting of all bodies (including my own) because they are all beautiful. Even if we are told they are not.

So if I ever have the honor of taking your photograph, please know that I mean it when I tell you how beautiful you are. I genuinely see you. I respect your vulnerability. I will not ask you to do anything I would not do myself. I will always make sure you are comfortable. I will never ask you to pose in a way that is not going to flatter you in the best way possible.

I know. Posing feels unnatural. It's usually not the way you would pose yourself. I promise it's going to look good though. And if it doesn't? Well, we just won't use that pose anymore.

So here we go. I present to you the self-portraits of a 37 year old woman who has worked really damn hard at embracing every last part of herself, even on days when it's hard.

Be gentle with yourself, yeah? I see you. And you are everything you should be already.

Please leave a comment below <3